Wash out

I’ve been putting this post off and avoiding this blog for several weeks.  I kept hoping that the situation would change before tonight; but, here we are.  Three months after sucking it up and hauling my cookies out onto the track, tonight is the skills testing night.

And, I’m not there.

Several weeks have passed since my urgent care visit.  My foot, though definitely better with no skating, is not back to where I can strap my skates on again.

The other night, while the home alone, I put my skates on.  I just rolled around a bit on what little tile we have.  The nagging pain that I’d experienced before sharply reintroduced itself.

I’ll admit it…I cried.

I don’t know what to feel.  Part of me is so disappointed to be missing the skills test…so disappointed that it almost chokes me.  As I follow the progress of my fellow Cherries on Facebook, I am jealous and I feel left out.

The other part of me – the scared, really bad skater part of me – is relieved.  Derby is hard.  It’s one of the most physically and emotionally demanding things that I’ve ever done.

Several of the trainers and other Cherries have encouraged me to try again with an upcoming group and that originally was my intention.

However, as the weeks go by, and my foot is not showing enough improvement, I’m worried that it will never cooperate.  It’s not like this was a new injury.  The only time that I can remember suffering a broken bone in my foot was in college.  That was almost twenty-five years ago.  Pressure is never going to improve with more skating.

So, if I can’t skate, what?

The league is always looking for non-skating officials (NSOs) and I could do that, but, that’s not why I started this whole thing in the first place.  I wanted to be a derby diva, crashing through the pack, not standing in the middle with a clipboard.

I am torn.

I’m going to have to think long and hard about this.  As my mother says, “When the mom goes down, it’s hard on the whole family.”  Is it really worth pretty certain additional damage to my foot to be scared out of my mind, yet exhilarated beyond belief?  There are still several things demanding attention, with family, work, the other hobbies that I’ve taken up.  Derby is a huge commitment, and I would need to invest a lot of myself to get better than I am.

Tonight, the Cherry Posse is skating their 25 laps in 5 minutes, running the obstacle course, jumping, falling, sliding and celebrating.

To my fellow Cherries, KICK ASS!  I am so proud of all of you!  To the trainers of our league, you are my heroes.  Even if I’m cheering you on from the cheap seats, I am your number one fan.

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5 thoughts on “Wash out

  1. Stereo says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry, Brandee. I know how badly you wanted this. But I also think that being an NSO would be a fantastic way to support the Cherries and maybe in time, your foot will heal enough that you can give this another go. Don’t give up!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this, Brandee. I’m with *Stereo — do what you need to do to heal, stay involved, and don’t give up. xo

  3. Ah Brandee. I’m sorry. But sometimes, it’s ok, actually. We get so set on doing something that we forget to take care of ourselves. Rest the foot, keep working with your trainer (you’re working too hard to stop!), and perhaps see a podiatrist because honestly? Everyone else sounds like ninnies. HUGS.

  4. Lesley says:

    Oh, doll. I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself. Also, know that there is certain power in *choosing* to quit, change directions or reverse decisions. YOU are my hero.

  5. Mom says:

    To me, this is so not about failure. You wanted something, and you went for it – that takes guts, determination. No shame it that – nor should there be regret. So many things I have wanted to do/be, some, pretty good, some, will never happen. I may want to be a talented potter, but am so-so, wish to hell I was able to sing – or dance, but it is not to be. Take pride in your effort, in yourself. I, for one am happy and relieved – don’t want you hurt. Love you

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